So, which way will she go? Controversial political post, meme related humorous post, first chapter in an unpublished novel (because yes, I have one of those as well)?
I’ve been surprised today (Sunday) about how much I’ve thought about what to post. So, I decided to do this:
I’m a worrier. Class A, Gold Medalist, could teach lessons on it kind of worrier. I go back and forth about the cause of it. Genetics-probably. A touch of anxiety-most assuredly. But at the end of the day, I own it and all that comes with it.
I know, as a Christian that we aren’t supposed to worry. I’ve read the verses, I’ve committed some to memory and even have one hanging on the wall of my bathroom in my house. But I struggle. I think alot of people do. And then I feel guilty about it. Again, not good.
Sometimes it spirals out of control, almost to the point of ridiculousness. Stay with me here. I’m worried I’m going to be alone the rest of my life. That I’m never going to get married or have children of my own. Then I worry that sins of my past are the reason that God’s withholding this blessing on my life. Then I worry that since I know that’s not true, both common sense wise and scripturally (not a word) that’s not true, that it’s really my lack of faith that I’m being punished for…and so forth. Insert spiral here.
In my life group at church today we talked about jealousy, and that’s a portion of my anxiety…seeing happy friends and family and wanting that same happiness. The author of the study, Lysa Terkeurst, stated that when she was feeling jealous she often tries to focus on the fact that if God wanted her to have that particular object or situation in her life she would have been equipped for both the burden and the blessing of that object or situation. If she doesn’t have that, then it’s because she’s not equipped for it. Maybe not now, maybe not yet, maybe never. And because everything in our lives is given to us by the Lord, and he obviously knows what He’s doing, if we don’t have it, we don’t need it.
And that scares the ever loving crap out of me. Facing some of those fears of my life not being exactly what I pictured it to be, wondering what it will be like, wanting to control everything, getting the idea of grace over guilt straight in my head, struggling with the idea of free will vs God knowing what the end result will be…it’s all a little much somedays.
And other days, I just go and watch Star Wars…cause man oh man, that new movie is really good. :o)